


Letting Go

by DireFennec



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, chapter 84 spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-16
Updated: 2016-10-16
Packaged: 2018-08-22 20:59:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8300828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DireFennec/pseuds/DireFennec
Summary: He slipped in and out of memories. His father stood at the top of the classroom. Erwin couldn’t see the board clearly, or the other children. The details had faded, all but the question. That one damned question. Erwin finds it difficult to let go of the people he loves, even after death.





	

He slipped in and out of memories.

His father stood at the top of the classroom. Erwin couldn’t see the board clearly, or the other children. The details had faded, all but the question. That one damned question. “The fact that there are no humans outside the wall…how did we prove that?” Why? Why did he have to ask and why couldn’t he have stayed quiet? The question whirled in his mind, clawed at it, as it had for most of his life. Even now, even in death it wouldn’t leave him. Was he cursed, he wondered. Was this hell then? To relive this over and over again with no hope of a different outcome?

He thought of himself when he was a young boy, standing over his father’s grave. Your fault. A whisper at the back of his mind. Your fault. Your fault. It grew louder and louder and blocked out all other thoughts. Your fault.

Levi. He had told Levi everything. That memory was fading too, the details hazy, but he would never forget Levi’s face. The look of horror on Levi’s face as he told him of his father’s murder was clear in his mind. He could remember Levi’s expression of frustration and pain when Erwin told him of his guilt. You were a kid. Levi’s words came back to him. It wasn’t your fault. He had needed to hear that for so long. He still blamed himself, still felt the immense guilt, but Levi’s words had stuck with him and he had lost count of the number of times they had brought him comfort.

His world was a black sea of fragmented memories and snippets of conversations that drifted in from far away. He heard raised, hurried voices but their words made little sense. He heard something large hit the floor not far from him. He hadn’t got the strength to open his eyes to see. An unfamiliar voice was angrily talking at Mikasa telling her to stop something, but Erwin couldn’t tell what. The conversation didn’t make sense to him as he processed bits and pieces, drifting in and out of darkness.

That unfamiliar voice was talking again, this time about Erwin’s plan. What plan? Erwin wondered. He tried to think back, but had little success calling up the memory.

“-Beast titan…” that unfamiliar voice spoke again.

The charge. He remembered. He had convinced those recruits to charge the titan. They rode to their deaths, but he was still here. Still alive. Had Levi killed it then? He was sure he had. He knew he could rely on him. Erwin drifted again content in the knowledge that the beast titan was almost certainly dead, that all that death had not been in vain.

He was back in that classroom again, listening to his father speak as he wrote on the board. He felt a sharp pain in his arm, like a wasp’s sting but pushed it to the back of his mind. Why couldn’t he warn him? He raised his hand and opened his mouth to speak. He could change this, warn his father.  
“The fact that there are no humans outside the wall…how did we prove that?” He heard his own voice, not a child’s, as though it was underwater. There was no way he could change the past, he could only repent. How could he ever hope to set things right. He could prove his father’s theories right, but that wouldn’t bring him back. His final thoughts before darkness consumed him were of his father and his disappointment in a son that betrayed him.

“…No choice but to become a demon…let him have a good rest…”

He was standing when he became aware of himself again. He was staring skyward and was confused when the harsh sunlight didn’t hurt his eyes, though he still instinctively covered them.

“Erwin…I promised to kill the beast titan, but it looks like it may take a little longer.” He heard Levi’s voice below him and to his right. Erwin was taken aback, it wasn’t dead. His mind was reeling. What had that charge achieved? Just as he was about to answer he heard Hange speak.

“He’s already gone.” She said gently. Erwin looked towards the source of her voice and if he had a heart, it would have stopped when she saw him closing his body’s eyes. He heard a commotion a few rooftops over and watched as Berthold was picked up by a titan. Something clicked in his mind and everything made sense. Let him have a good rest, Levi had said. As he watched Armin emerge from the titan he was horrified that such a burden had been placed on him, but a darker part of him also felt genuinely grateful that it wasn’t him.

“I see...” Levi’s voice was smaller than Erwin had ever heard it. He turn to him. He looked exhausted, lost. Erwin instinctively reached out to touch Levi’s shoulder, but connected with nothing. Levi noticed nothing and continued to stare at Erwin’s lifeless body.

“Levi?” He tried to get his attention again, with no success. Panic started to rise. “Levi!” he shouted. Was this his punishment? “Hange?” Was this his hell? To be stuck between worlds, to watch his friends and his soldiers die while he was powerless to stop it? He tried to shake Levi’s shoulder but he didn’t budge. He searched frantically for something, anything, a light, death, anything that could show him what he was supposed to do now. He found nothing.

Eventually Levi stood. Erwin was right in front of him, but Levi took no notice. He walked to the edge of the roof like he was heavily weighed down.

“Levi?” Hange called after him

“We can’t just leave him on the roof.” His voice was flat. He used his manoeuvring gear to drop safely to the ground below and entered a house that was still fully intact. Erwin followed him.

Levi walked up to the bedroom. The door creaked as it opened. The air in the room was stale. It had very few furnishings. A bed, a table with a vase, a small bookcase and a wardrobe occupied the room, all covered with a thin film of dust. Levi went to the wardrobe and pulled out an old shirt to clean the place with.

Erwin simply watched as Levi quietly moved about the bedroom clearing out dust and cobwebs. He opened the window to allow the fresh air in. There were dead flowers in the vase on the table. Levi took them out and threw them out the window. He looked around the room when he was done, looking through Erwin several times.

Erwin heard footsteps coming up the stairs and turned. Instinctively he tried to move out of the way but wasn’t quick enough. “Hange!” She didn’t stop and continued through him. She stopped to survey the room.

“It looks…” She trailed off. What was she supposed to say? That it looks good for their friend’s body? She sniffed as tears started to fall down her bloodied cheek. Levi looked awkward, like he didn’t quite know what to say or do. Hange stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him. Levi hesitated but eventually raised one hand to rest on her back. They didn’t say anything. Eventually Hange stepped back.

“I’ll get Flocke.” Erwin knew what she meant. They were bringing his body here, but she couldn’t say it. As soon as Hange left Levi quickly walked outside. Flowers had bloomed outside the house. After brief consideration Levi picked two blue flowers and returned to the room. He placed the flowers in the vase and adjusted them. He heard Flocke approaching, he sighed and turned around.

Flocke had Erwin’s body draped over his back, just like he had when he had carried him, still alive, over the wall. Erwin could only watch as Levi helped Flocke lay his body on the bed. Levi took no notice of the new recruit as he took off Erwin’s cloak and folded it beside him. Flocke left without a word.

Levi slipped the bolo tie from Erwin’s neck. He stared at it for a moment before putting it in his jacket pocket. Erwin smiled. Levi had always been sentimental. Levi took Erwin’s hand. He held it for a moment before closing it into a fist and placing it over his now silent heart. Erwin stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Levi, though neither man could feel it.

“I wish you could hear me.” Erwin whispered. “I wish I could tell you you’re going to be okay.” Levi had no reaction. He leaned forward to pick up the cloak. He unfolded it and draped it over his commander’s body. Before he covered Erwin’s face he placed one last kiss to his forehead. He stepped back, his breathing was shaky. The floorboards creaked as he turned and sat with his back against the bed. He took the bolo tie from his pocket and stared at it again, lost in thoughts, drowning in them. Erwin knelt in front of him.

“Thank you, Levi,” Erwin spoke, though he knew Levi couldn’t hear he still felt it needed to be said. “Thank you for making that choice. It must have been difficult. Don’t you dare beat yourself up over the beast titan. I know you’ll do it.” Levi stopped looking at the bolo tie and drew up his knees to his chin. He pressed his forehead to his knees as his shoulders began to shake. It broke Erwin’s heart to see him like this. To be right in front of him but to be completely unable to offer any comfort was emotional torture. “Levi, I’m right here.”

Erwin felt as though he was being pulled somewhere. He had no intention of leaving, not until all was said. “I don’t want to see you again until you’re an old man, you hear me? You’ll get to that basement and get outside that wall for good. You’ll see the world and then you can come and tell me everything.” Erwin smiled, even as tears formed.

He reached out once more to touch Levi’s hair. It was barely there, but he could feel the black strands move. Levi’s head snapped up as he frantically looked around him and then back towards the bed. He turned back to the empty room.

“…Erwin?” Levi whispered into the empty room.

“You felt that?” Erwin tried again, but couldn’t feel anything. Even though the touch was fleeting, he was overjoyed that Levi knew it was him. Levi looked at the bolo tie again with the tiniest smile.

Erwin felt that pulling sensation again. He didn’t care where he was going now. He was able to bring some small comfort to Levi. Hell could have him now, it was about time he paid for his sins.

“Erwin?” Erwin froze at that voice. A voice that he hadn’t heard in years. He stood but couldn’t bring himself to turn around. “Son?” Erwin braced himself and turned preparing for the worst.

His father stood before him, looking just as he remembered him at the top of that classroom. His father didn’t hesitate to hurry forward and embrace him. All of Erwin’s fears were shattered as he hugged his father. Instead of the betrayal, hate and disappointment he expected there was only love and pride and forgiveness.


End file.
